I have always wondered why I have had such an uneasy feeling in regards to love as I see it displayed around me, and especially as portrayed on the movie screen.  All my life I have apparently been sensing something I could not define much less understand until now.  Lately I have been getting revelations (intuitions) that love as it is practiced today is just plain wrong.  If my Intuition is not deceiving me, I would say that it is love as it is currently understood which is the problem.  But more specifically, I would aver that selfish love is the cause of all human misery.

Simply defined, selfish love is the attraction of anything to oneself that one does not deserve.

Stated another way, selfish love is the incorrect action undertaken by the unenlightened ignorant soul which uses its inherent divine creative ability to attract to itself what it does not karmically deserve or what is not destined for that soul to have or use, which inevitably leads to that soul generating karma against itself in the form of greedy attachments to the things it has selfishly attracted to itself.

According to the ancient teachings, the proper mode of behavior for the soul is to do the will of God.  When this is done, the soul is operating within the bounds of selfless love or unselfish love.  When this is done, the actions undertaken by the soul become correct actions which will not generate any selfishly-related karma unto the soul, resulting in the soul becoming a pure channel for the will of God to pass thru.  When this is done, all things that are attracted to the soul as a result of selflessly-generated actions can be said to be truthfully the things that soul needs and karmically deserves in order to do the will of God.  This is the way of the soul’s Liberation.

So much for the way it should be, but how does this apply to the state of human relationships?  In a word, we are “screwed”.  We are hopelessly screwed because the majority of our actions regarding love are just plain selfish or stated another way—wrong.  Simply stated, we are going about it all in the wrong direction.

In a ‘normal’ relationship, a man is attracted to a women’s outer beauty and wants to possess the woman.  He courts her, woos her, and generally tries like mad to win her affection.  If he is ‘lucky’ it works and she devotes herself to him.  One thing leads to another and the relationship usually ends up in marriage, children, sometimes divorce, sometimes bitterness and boredom with each other, then old age leaving both parties disappointed and deeply unhappy, all the while wondering why they could not find the joy that “love and marriage” is supposed to bring.

Sound harsh?  Inaccurate?  If you really think that I am exaggerating here, take a good look at married couples around you.  Take a look at your own relationships.  Take a really honest look at ‘normal’ love all around you…and then ask whether or not what I just wrote is untrue.

If you have any true vision whatsoever, you know what the answer is.

Great epic stories are the result of very flawed characters committing great acts based on their own personal psychological and emotional delusions and misperceptions.  The greater the flaw, the greater the drama (or comedy).  If an author desires to write a great story then the plot must contain equally great characters possessing at least one major flaw which skews their perception of reality.  Such is the formula for great drama or comedy.

All creation is a drama, the greatest drama in fact.  Everything that happens, everything is the result of a union of separated opposites.  The interaction of opposites creates the drama called life.  And drama is another word for suffering.  And as Buddha said, “Life is suffering.”

But there was another Buddha named Ho Tai.  He saw everything from another perspective.  It is said that when he achieved his own enlightenment, he laughed at everything he saw.  The reason for this is easy to comprehend.  Drama has long been considered the opposite of Comedy, ever since ancient times.  Ho Tai apparently emerged from his enlightenment realizing the underlying stupidity of existence itself, sensing how it has no meaning at all and therefore all actions performed by the ordinary unenlightened are ridiculous in the eyes of God.  Ho Tai was reported to laugh at people working at their jobs and then he would share candy with children to celebrate the sweetness of life.

From one perspective, the activity of life is seen as suffering because it leads nowhere and is ultimately disappointing.

From the opposite perspective, the activity of life is comical because it leads nowhere and is ultimately disappointing.

Either viewpoint is simultaneously faulty and correct.  Life is what it is—an egotistical attempt to exist as separate from God, as though we were the Fallen angel Lucifer himself.  And no matter what perspective you choose to view it, life is ultimately meaningless and pointless.  A Divine Comedy, as Dante wrote.

Life is the most dramatic of all epic Dramas.  It is both sad and funny.

As the philosopher Plotinus wrote, “Life here with the things of the earth is a sinking, a defeat, a failing of the wing.”

Twinkle, twinkle little star.  How I wonder what you are.

Sound familiar?  An old nursery rhyme from our youth.

If the universe is the body of God and we are parts of it, the planets of our solar system are just the outer physical representation of our own charkas.  The Sun is the seat or gateway of our Soul.  All of this harkens back to the line from Liber AL which says that “Every man and woman is a star.”  Concurrent with this, I think the massive increase of the numbers of Gamma Ray Bursts scientists are recording for some years now is from the occult perspective the outer manifestation of a massive increase in the numbers of beings attaining enlightenment, one after the other, perhaps even on our own world (meaning it is not necessarily beings from other places).  I get a good feeling about this intuition.  It reminds me a bit of the vision I had of my own funeral, when I ascended out of the atmosphere and witnessed all the stars and galaxies of the whole universe turn into pure Light.  That also reminds me of the statement from Buddha (I think?) where he said something about how all sentient beings of the universe must be enlightened.

Didn’t start off great at all today.  Woke up very late, thinking that it was so much earlier, and I never heard the alarm.  Felt ridiculous.  My thoughts are assaulting me.  I can’t stand this dream matrix.  It is a prison.  I am in a prison for the mind.  Everything “out there” is a trap trying to keep me “here”.  Goddammit.  EVERYTHING, as far as I can tell is meant to keep me here.  There are times when I think my own friends are NOT even REAL and are keeping me attached to this world.  Even if the ARE real, I still think that maybe my attachment to them is keeping me here.  It is all about attachments after all, isn’t it?

Lately I have been thinking about emulating the Buddha and trying to dissolve all thoughts in longer and longer meditation sessions until Enlightenment ensues.  Sometimes I see no worthy endeavor in life, as life really has no purpose.  Life IS suffering.  Life is SEPARATION from Source, creating a reality separate from God.  For what purpose life serves, I do not know.  I do not think it serves any purpose quite frankly.  I think life is a mistake.  I was told a long time ago during my Kundalini Days, that all of this was a kind of experiment, that God wanted to try to create every thought possible and every possible occurrence in every possible way.

This harkens back to what Semjase said in the Billy Meier contact notes, if I understood her correctly, namely that creation was trying to create everything possible, every situation possible in every way possible.  Those contact notes also mentioned that Creation itself sleeps after some trillions or more years.  Then it does it again, a new process of creating.  I think about it now, and I hope that is the simply the fate of the Separated part of Source-Divinity.  I can’t imagine the purpose of living in this horrible Dream Matrix, managing Liberation from it back to the Oneness of God, only to do it all over again.  There is no purpose in that, save that God is trying to exhaust all possibilities it can think of.  But wouldn’t God just create other newer separated souls to do such a thing?  Is it really that “we” all have to come back, trillions of years from now, to have more experiences all over again?  Isn’t a few million trillions of years enough to discover all the possibilities?  Good fucking lord!

I dunno, I dunno.  All I want is to get OUT of here.  I have had enough already.  I find less and less happiness here.  There truly is no happiness here, not “out there”.  The yogis say that there is no Truth to be found in the body.  This means there is no Truth in the Physical world, neither in our 3d bodies nor in the 3d world in which they interact.

All is vanity.  Vanity in the soul is the evil that amplifies all evil.

6 PM—A friend phoned me and we got to talking.  He confirmed what I just wrote above and I feel better about it.  Thinking is the problem.   Thought itself is the enemy.  This Matrix is the prison for the mind.  As long as there is thought, there must be a place for the thought to manifest.  Stop all thought, like Buddha did after 3 days of meditation, and then all suffering stops.  Thought is life is existence separate from God is suffering is hell is the problem.  Geez.  That’s it.

This ties in perfect with my “theory” of Divine Neutrality.  Be Neutral to all things, so that there is no thought that arises from any happening.

I am amazed at the endless repetition of history itself, the endless manifestation of patterns.  No wonder things change and both stay the same simultaneously.  In this matrix, there are set rules to the game, and they do not change.  Earth is a like a detention room within a vast galactic school within a universal prison.  Timothy Leary said something about the universe as a test.  I agree.

All attachments and unforgiven hurts are shackles that bind us to this place, this dream of ours.  These modes of behavior are literally programmed into our own DNA.  The process of enlightenment is the process of re-programming ourselves down to the physical level to such an extent that we move effortlessly with the dream-matrix itself, unaffected by its constant changes.

All of our drama in life is attachment to our attachments themselves.  Call them our “hot buttons”, if you will.  If one cultivates a state of Divine Neutrality, then there is no drama to disturb the inner equilibrium of bliss.  I thought to myself today, that if I didn’t know any better, a great mantra/affirmation to sum up the summation of yoga would be to take an attitude of “So What?” to every single thing that happens in life.  How is that for Divine Neutrality?

So What?!?

I think the reason I am feeling less and less sensations with activities that used to generate such incredible sensations before the Kundalini rise is tied to what Peniel wrote from the CLO library scriptures.  Specifically, I mean the teaching that when we fell, it was because of the SENSATIONS that we experienced as we fell that trapped us all.  It is the SENSATIONS that attracted us and trapped us here.

I think the reason I am feeling less and less sensations is because I really have hit a high level of attainment and as such, I feel less sensations.  In fact, for a long time, I have been feeling less and less attraction to many things that cause sensations.  Smoking used to be so incredible.  Now I don’t do it anymore.  I don’t think I could if I tried.  Even an orgasm feels like just another moment in the day during which I am conscious the whole time, as if it is nothing but a mild distraction to ordinary consciousness.  Incredible.

I remember that Peniel wrote that the only way to exist properly here in this plane was to maintain a Unity Consciousness while existing here.  This, I intuit, is tied to the loss of attractions to sensations.  To be able to do anything, with no attraction to it, with no attachment to it, just as Babaji wrote.  To simply be “this thing…doing…that thing” and nothing more.

This plane is a dream.  The process of waking up from the dream entails the loss of attractive attachments to all things here.  It is our attachments to this plane of attractions that causes loss of consciousness itself, loss of Oneness itself because of the distraction that attracts our attention to something outside of ourselves in this plane.

Bruce Lee said that martial arts is “honestly expressing yourself”.  He believed in “Using no way as way and having no limitation as limitation.”

Krishnamurti said that you must “be a light unto yourself”, and also stressed spiritual ‘Self Reliance’.

For a long time I have thought that practicing yoga would sort of free one from doing things, even free one from the drudgery of life in some magical way.  Now I am thinking that if anything, yoga frees your mind to react differently to life itself, and in this way you can transcend it and attain liberation.

I am starting to think it is more about adapting to anything that life gives you, with this adaptation requiring a mode of living which has no preset patterns of action, favoring a mode of chaos instead.  This chaotic approach is at odds with the way most people behave, which is like pre-programmed robots.

It appears as if Enlightenment seen from a certain perspective is nothing more than the removal of all set programmed behaviors in favor of total openness to a chaotic and neutral way of life, ever changing one’s actions according to the ever changing reality we sense around us.

But how to apply this to life itself?  What happens when all pre-programmed behaviors are removed, which can also be seen as all programmed attachments?  What then?  How does one live?  What does one do?  Is it really as simple as just doing what inspires you, as the Himalayan Yogavatar Babaji said?  And doing what you must according to the changing conditions around you, in addition to doing what inspires you?

It just seems too silly to think that achieving enlightenment results in you doing what the hell you always wanted to do anyway.  That smacks of selfishness.  What does one know before enlightenment anyway except that you are a collection of reactions and selfishness?

But rather I think that enlightenment is a matter of doing what one is meant to do, all that you can do, all in accordance with your natural abilities as dictated by your natal chart as well as doing whatever little things need to be done along the way, all the while being ever mindful of being selfless, of projecting outward from oneself, giving forth thru the channel that is your soul as expressed by your natal.  This, as far as I can tell is doing your True Will as Crowley taught.

But now I think I am truly realizing the true meaning of “Love Under Will”.  I could describe this by saying that the natural urge to do Love’s dictates must be controlled by the Will of God, or that the feminine Soul must be controlled and reined in by the Masculine Will of God, or else all manner of nonsense will be executed.  Ha ha!  Crowley has stuck it to everyone again.  Once again he has masterly asserted that women must subjugate themselves, giving their souls over to a good man (note: read author ‘John Baines’).  Crowley summed it up with this little phrase.  The phrase is even a sexual position—the missionary.  How funny.

The desire of the soul to simply “do” thru the sheer motivation of love is what must be controlled and quarantined even, by the spirit’s will.  It is like the soul wants to use up all of the available vitality in a frenzied attempt to serve all by doing anything and everything that would come to it thru the mind.  If it were not for the limiting and controlling aspects of the spirit’s willpower, the soul would have a field day, wreaking all kinds of chaos and havoc.

But the proper way is for the soul to receive from the spirit, instructions in the form of will, what they should do together.  Basically what must be done is what one is meant to do, and also what is obviously right in front of one’s face.

Curious how this all fits what Baines says as well, in that the woman must give her whole self over to a powerful godly man to truly feel fulfilled.  Otherwise you get a wimpy man domineered by a hysterical woman.  Is that not what I see EVERYWHERE?  Men constantly wondering if their wives will “let them do it”?  I don’t think anything makes me feel so awful inside than to see a man give over all of his power to a stupid woman, subjugating his will completely, just to get a little sex, fooling himself into thinking that he is getting love.  This kind of “relationship” is anything but love.  It is control.  It is the matrix manifested in a marital form.  No wonder our country, if not our world is so fucked up.  Everywhere there are women ordering their men around under the threat of no sex.  It is enough to make men pay a prostitute for it.  So perhaps they won’t get love, but at least they get sex.  Geez.

What a fucked up world.  It is the polar opposite of what is supposed to be.  The matrix is seriously messed up, but perfectly engineered to keep us all under control.  Everything is under control.  Under the will, but whose will?  Or the will of what exactly?  We are domineered and controlled by what?  Maybe it is the darkness (or demiurge) that the Gnostics write about?  They said that the darkness wanted to create out of itself, free of the spirit of god that is needed to create in the proper fashion.  That sounds just like Vanity or Ego in the Feminine Soul, rejecting the Male Spirit.

The matrix reminds me of a domineering bitchy woman, always offering all kinds of things you want to sense and experience, but just as long as you do what it tells you to do, and you offer up all of your willpower to it.  The matrix really is a hysterical woman!  Ugh!

My god.  How did this reality come to be?  Really, I mean how did this all happen?  How is it that the darkness came to so much power in the first place?  Damn!  What a mystery.

Something I have noticed, more or less since my kundalini rising last year is the following.  It seems that the closer you approach to attaining Enlightenment, the “clearer” you feel inside.  By this I mean that not only is the garbage of your emotional self clean, but that you literally feel things differently than before.  Feelings you once had, such as lust, take on a more subtle and refined character.  Even orgasms feel almost ‘not there’ because everything you feel is so clear and you just don’t get the same surge you once felt from the experience.

The first time I noticed this “clearness” was when I was trying to get high after the kundalini rising.  I literally didn’t feel it.  I thought I hadn’t taken enough or something.  I even thought I had become so used to it that it would no longer work on me.  But eventually it dawned on me that I was rather experiencing the high at a whole different level.  What was missing was the “heavy” feeling that usually accompanies those who smoke pot.  It was simply not there.  But the rest of the characteristics were still there.  I was still able to think intuitively, feel horny just a bit, and get hungry later on.  The biggest difference was that I didn’t feel stoned (as it is known).

I have figured out that the reason the heavy feeling is gone is because that feeling results from the clashing of the high feeling of godly vibration with the junk contained within your body and soul.  It is like trying to pass clear water thru a dirty filter.  If you are the filter, you will feel incredible to have any clear water trying to pass thru you.  But what if the filter gets cleaner?  Then the feeling will diminish as there is less resistance to the clean water passing thru.  Eventually, if you completely clean yourself, then the water that passes thru you will have no resistance to it, and you will simply experience yourself as moving water.

In the case of spiritual enlightenment, we are working with energy, vibration, or Divine Light itself.  If the soul and body, specifically the nervous system (the physical manifestation or seat of the soul) is dirty or clogged, then anytime that Light passes thru, there is resistance experienced as the heavy feeling that normally accompanies getting high.  But if the soul is cleaned, as in my case by severe meditations, then the feelings of heaviness disappear altogether, because the Light is not experiencing any resistance in the soul.  But the Light is still within, and flowing thru.  But it more and more gives one the feeling that I Am That, because you can see no difference between you and the Light passing thru.

Curious that the name of the final Yoga Samadhi means literally “with no difference”.  More and more, that is how I feel as I meditate!  Like when I meditate and come out of it, sometimes I think “I am still here.”  It is so strange to me now.  Meditation is different from before.  It doesn’t feel the same, sort of like getting high, which I don’t even feel the desire to do so anymore.  But then again, heavy meditation always made me feel like I was high anyway, so what is the difference if I do or don’t?